It’s my blarty and I’ll cry if I want to … you would do too ‘cos of customers like you…
From the archives but sadly still relevant today.
It all began with the advent of customer services – that last bastion of lost ambition, pointless platitudes and inverted aggression, the industry that seems only to employ failed parking wardens, bloated pointless pompous ousted county councillors and those hypocratic oafs of the NHS, jobless doctors receptionists!
Here’s a real conversation with a real customer services representative at a real supermarket:
Me, I hand a CS rep the opened package of an internet dongle: “Hello, the dongle I bought here a few days ago doesn’t work.”
CS: “I’m sorry, I’m here to help sir, can you explain what the problem is?”
Me: “Yes, my dongle doesn’t work.”
CS: “I’m sorry sir, do you have the receipt?”
Me: “I’m sorry I’ve lost it.”
CS: “I’m sorry sir, I’m afraid that without a receipt there is nothing I can do.”
Me: “Yes you can…”
CS: “I’m sorry sir, it’s company policy.”
Me: “Well, it certainly isn’t my policy or the policy of the law of the land …”
CS: “I’m sorry sir, I’m only trying to help you.”
Me: “Well you’re not helping me by telling me there’s nothing you can do to help me!”
CS: “I’m sorry sir, I’m here to help you but I can’t help if you adopt that kind of attitude towards me…”
Me: “All I’m saying is that you actually can help me if I don’t have a receipt…”
CS: “I’m sorry sir, I’m not willing to be spoken to in that way – if you persist, I’ll will have to call security.”
And so we proceeded for some minutes before the manager was called who changed my dongle for me without argument and I continued with my shopping!
