EE-k! The truth behind the internet and Britain’s rural life …
The internet zooms if, like Putin, you want to nuke the world – but not if you call granny from your English country garden…
Years ago now British governments clicked on the potent idea of super-fast broadband across the countryside from Ambridge to Middleton Scriven.
What a joke!
But Boris’s smug promise to “level up” our nation by providing next-generation-speed broadband to most homes within the next three years is about as useful as cyber spiders from Mars as people like me – those who live down the leafy lanes – are dumped by the hedgerows.
And this is according to parliament’s very 0wn slathery spending watchdog.
The report by the public accounts committee found that Boris and his boffins are just relying too much on BT Openreach and the likes of Virgin Media O2, to sign-in to Boris’s election manifesto pledge.
But these companies unfortunately focus on less costly urban conurbations across the country and are failing to deliver proper connectivity for those who live a little more remotely than London W1.
There is no doubt that chintzy cottage dwellers like me are being treated like village idiots.
So, here we have the true story of trying to get acceptable broadband in a commuter village equi-distant from Birmingham, Manchester and Leeds and the bizarre and arrogant way major players treat their customers.
The thing is, on the internet you can fight a war if, like Putin, you have your finger on the metaphorical button’
But if you chomp on a bit of straw like it’s a signal booster and talk to Bill and Ben about flower pots and a little weed, then you are flobber-lobbing f*cked!
If you live in a good signal area you can close down hospitals and governments as your fingers do the walking – you can find everything from how to make a chip shop curry to the best way of vaporising your next door neighbour.
The internet is an ignorant, arrogant, useless, unfeeling, uncaring robot of no determinable intelligence.
It purveys endless porn but also lets you share films of your little kittens. It tells you how to make bombs or commit suicide, extols conspiracy theories, lies without thought, fakes news designed to undermine society, allows you to accuse anybody of anything you feel like accusing them of, publishes pictures of carnage and horror. And steals your personal information and sells it to the highest bidder…
Wow! What an innovation – an invaluable link to the world’s secrets, sex, lies and video tapes.
AND YOU HAVE TO PAY FOR IT!
Trillions of pounds worldwide are pumped into this new age invisible man-woman by people like me (£60 a month FOR NOTHING), governments and businesses and disaffected groups across the world.
But what actually happens when a dissident group phones BT or EE – there are many other internet failures available – and says in a guttural voice: “Ello! Ello! I must have internet – I don’t care if it costs a bomb.”
Or what happened when old Vlad Put-it-in called and said: “I want to start a war involving obliterating a country and possibly nuking the world– can you do me a deal? I’m happy to have my mobile with you!”
Err, why doesn’t BT-ski or EE-ski just turn off Vlad’s internet because he’s been a naughty boy!
Well, the British equivalent trashed my account only a few days ago when I upset an Openreach engineer by complaining.
I was the messenger and they shot me a. because I’d complained about their service b. because I had no idea what the 2nd and 5th letter of my ex-wife’s mother’s maiden name is c. because I wanted my PA to speak to them and d. it was easier than getting me some broadband.
Do you know, all it appears Openreach had to do was re-instate the phone line we had cancelled, after 30 years, two days earlier. If they’d done that we could have plugged back in to our lives, no problem.
But they refused.
And, instead, told us to keep an eye out for the next few weeks AND MONTHS for any indication of fibre arriving at the brick toilet block of a ‘cabinet’ 15 feet across the road from our 300 year old cottage.
What a mirthless arrogant abrogating joke!
The problem is though, that they’re not longer afraid of me, the customer. They don’t need me or my business. There are plenty of other cyber-suckers waiting to be insulted by them.
No, I am just a customer! Yep, they just hang up on me when (a) they can’t solve the problem (b) I tell them off for incompetence (c) or they just get bored.
And so here I am, back in the Village of the Damned, after five years of travelling through 15 countries – we’ve had internet from Delhi to Doncaster, from Bratislava to Bolton and from Minnesota to Manchester.
But now I’m back in the garden of the UK, I’m left with no internet to speak of and I am condemned to spending hours talking to a robot masquerading as a human being.
This was what EE said two days after signing me up: “I’m sorry sir, but I can’t find an account for you.”
“But you’ve sent me two letters, two simcards!”
“I’m sorry sir, I realise you must be very frustrated but you have no right to talk to me like that!”
“Like what?”
“In that manner!”
(Pinch me! Have I just woke up!)
“What manor? I live in a cottage!”
“I’m sorry sir, I will not be spoken to in this way.”
And hung up.
Stupid robot!
So, I am left with an internet modem blinking at me like a one-eyed undertaker, nobody to communicate with, BT are sulking with me – and it’s costing me £60 a month!
UPDATE
DAY 7
EE confirmed they had mis-sold us a router which would never have worked at our property
After seven hours of trying to get somebody to sort it out we still have a service which is about as useful as a pair of dropped ‘b*ll*cks’…
To reach this point:
Seven EE operatives have tried to solve the problem – four hung up on us because things just got too difficult for them
EE operatives smugly told us that the internet they were supplying was perfect – and didn’t accept it didn’t work properly
Then, inexplicably, EE decided it was because my house consisted of flats – it doesn’t but Openreach told them it was, so who you gonna believe? Some robots who live in the cabinet across the road? Or the bloke who lives in the house?
The robots of course.
Then EE had a brainwave – they decided that we needed ‘fibre’ (I said I get enough fibre out of EE’s bullsh*t) – but then told us we couldn’t have it because there was no fibre in our village!
Yes there is!
DAY 9
I work nights for various broadcasters in the US so I wasn’t very impressed when the EE broadband team phoned before 8.30am, demanded to know the third and fourth letters of my ex-WIFE’S mother’s name and when I said I had no idea, they cancelled the order
Another EE operative then decided that the problem was because other people were living at the house. They weren’t/aren’t
EE are now apparently re-ordering our broadband and it could take two weeks to install! Who are they ordering it off, if nobody can supply it?
Yep, that endevour was doomed to failure
UPDATE:
It appears the problem is solved as far as EE is concerned – they say that the phone line used by broadband into our house is actually owned by ‘somebody else’ … BUT they won’t tell us who because of ‘data protection’
To help out, EE customer services refused to contact the ‘owner’ and get it sorted out – not within their job, they say!
EE customer services have decided to leave things as they are – perfect for them. They are not supplying broadband to us because it is too difficult. However, they are still taking our money
When we asked to be put on to a supervisor EE customer services told us that ALL their supervisors ‘are in a meeting’
UPDATE
We just received this message off EE – can anybody explain what it means exactly?
Hi,
You recently asked us to make some changes to what the user of mobile number can do with their SIM, which we’ve now done. This means they no longer have the control you gave them before.
Thanks,
The EE Team
UPDATE:
At about 4.30pm EE texted us saying that they were cancelling our order if we did not call them immediately. We did! They didn’t answer, so they cancelled our order!
EE then called us AGAIN to tell us they are not sure if we have fibre to the house – and told us it would take up to five days to confirm … 7 days since they pledged their service to us plus 5 days to confirm the fibre crisis plus 14 days to actually plug it in! That’s 26 days to potentially get broadband working for us – I could build a small telephone exchange in that time!
And so we wait for the next call!
We will update this as it happens – tell us you tales of woe too!
OOPS – AN UPDATE:
DAY 9:
We received a letter containing a demand for almost £100 for the Hub that doesn’t work and £40-odd for the first payment for internet we never received.
DAY 10
The executive office didn’t phone us back as promised.
But we did receive a call saying once more that the problem lies with BT Openreach … they have a problem with their ‘cabinet’ across the road. What?
UPDATE
Now they want their Hub back! (Children!)
DAY 12
Today EE told us again that they could not supply us with internet because BT Open Reach had basically broken their ‘cabinet’. Hohum
It is a funny thing though, there are maybe 700 house in the Village of Damned. And they all have internet.
There are dozens of businesses. And they all have internet!
About 1800 people live within the confines of the village. And they all have mobiles and use the internet.
The people who vacated our house less than two weeks ago were happy with their broadband and had it in place for five years.
Before we left the VoD to go working abroad, we’d had broadband for more than 20 years.
Watch this space.
THE FINAL SOLUTION:
EE phoned us and told us to try VIRGIN!
Surely that’s virgin on the ridiculous – recommending a competitor rather than just fixing the problem!
#virgin #ridiculous #EE #3g #internet #fibre #openreach #villageofthedamned #midlands
