BE PROUD! WHY F*RTING CAN BE SUCH A BREATH OF FRESH AIR
Is f”rting good for you – does it break the ice at parties, or is it just a lot of hot air?
Well, snooker guru RONNIE O’SULLIVAN let off one and left a referee and audience in stitches while potting a few days ago!
So, The Society decides to nreak away from the usual news agenda and go which way the wind blows…..
Okay, yes we all do it! Even the Queen does it (sorry Ma’am– but there are some things an equerry can’t do for you, no matter how hard they try).
And Donald, the former mad president of the United States, is named after one.
Yep. Trump!
To so many of us a trump is the laughing-gas of the masses, an hysterical expelation of wind leading to mirth and ribaldry, a whiff of laughter in the air so to speak…
… a mild form of rebellion and insurrectum. And if you can literally pump up the volume even better!
A pump! A trump! A bottom burp! A FLUFFER DOODLE! A barking spider!
A F*RT!
In fact the only thing I ever learned off my big burly beer drinking father was how to f*rt. And for that I have to say I am internally grateful…
I’m sorry to keep using the word fart, it isn’t meant to be offensive though. Its usage actually dates back to Medieval times, where the phrase ‘not worth a fart’ was coined.
But a fart isn’t useless at all, according to doctors. In fact it’s good for you.
Dr Karan Raj says that on average, people fart around 14 times a day.
He said: “The more the merrier. If someone tells you they don’t fart they are lying and you should disown them immediately or they have got a bowel obstruction which is a medical emergency.”
The NHS doctor also explains that the average fart is big enough to fill up a medium-sized balloon.
But he also warned that keeping it all in can have it dark side too: “If you hold in a fart too long it can be reabsorbed into your blood circulation and breathed out when you exhale.”
Dr Karan said: “The first fart of your day is usually the largest.”
He added that hydrogen and methane are flammable which is why you can set a fart on fire. However, don’t. That really is a bit of a bummer.
But interestingly he says that “the noise of a fart is a combination of the anal sphincter vibrations and the percussion of the bum cheeks against each other.”
Well, I suppose that’s why you get in a bit of a flap when someone hears you doing one.
Anyway, my best fart happened one sunny evening in a beer garden in Marbella…
I had been drinking an excessive amount of lager and eating curries while staring out at the sea, the dried-up prunes of the rich wives and their Bentleys.
And then I was taken by surprise. And so, dare I say, was my wife … the old familiar rumbling downstairs began and the uncontrollable desire to lift a buttock took over. Then it happened with the velocity of an Exocet missile and the volume of passenger jet taking off… Marbella went silent as it seemed to go on forever. People stopped drinking and stared, a waitresse’s cigarette flared and went out and the restaurant’s cat fell off the wall.
Everybody seemed deeply shocked but I have to say it was one of the proudest days of my life.
It made my holiday.
